1. Don’t React . . . make this an out of body experience and adopt an

attitude of detachment.

Name the Game . . . what’s behind their behavior?;

Know Your Hot Buttons . . . there are certain physiological responses that

impact you, and you may be aware of words or phrases

that incite or anger – try to avoid hitting these buttons;

Buy Time to Think . . . pause or gather your thoughts; it’s all right to be

silent and get past the impulse to react…this is a good

time for humor or diversion in order to cool down before . making a decision or taking a position.

2. Don’t Argue . . . listen to understand rather than listen to reply.

Listen Actively . . . ask questions and paraphrase to show you care and

understand;

Acknowledge Their Point . . . agree whenever you can and be prepared

to offer an apology;

Agree Whenever You Can . . . you’re building the bridge from your side

and asking them to begin theirs;

Acknowledge the Person . . . show respect and stay away from hostile

bargaining;

Express Your Views Without Provoking . . . try not to use the word “but”…

rather, follow your point with the word “and”;

Create a Favorable Climate for Negotiation . . . try to breed respect and

speak from the first person “I”;

3. Reframe . . . ask for their advice – few people can resist opening-up to you

with their advice and opinion…it’s flattering.

Joint Problem Solving Atmosphere . . . ask “why do you want this?”; “help

me understand why”;

Ask Problem Solving Questions . . . ask “why not this?”; “what makes thata fair outcome?”; ask “what if” questions for discussion;

Go Around Stone Walls . . . treat this as an aspiration rather that a demand; Deflect Attacks . . . focus on the problem and the person is not the problem; Expose Tricks . . . ask for clarification; ask what is the purpose; make

reasonable requests;

Negotiate About the Rules of the Game . . . call the person on their behavior.

4. Build Them a Golden Bridge . . . you’re both going to walk across it.

Involve the Other Side . . . give them ownership in the resolution; don’t sell your ideas but engage them in joint problem-solving;

Satisfy Unmet Interests . . . ask what’s important to them;

Help Them Save Face . . . do unto others as you would have others do unto you; a person’s pride is a very intimate and private part of each of us and should be respected and protected;

Don’t Rush . . . especially at the end, this could unravel the deal.

5. Use Power to Educate . . . we are what we know.

Let Them Know the Consequences . . . try not to be threatening or

aggressive but realistic and sincere;

Discuss Alternatives to Resolution . . . defuse their reaction; use objective standards or outside data; be balanced;

Keep Sharpening Their Choice . . . once important interests have been

identified, the resolution can be crafted;

Forge a Lasting Agreement . . . coercion or misunderstanding will undo

what you thought was done; be precise with expectations;

Aim for Mutual Satisfaction, Not Victory . . . at some point you both agreed to be respectful winners and to take away from the

negotiation what you truly need and not necessarily what

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